on being single

i have not been single since i was 16 years old. sure, there were a few brief periods of not having a facebook-official boyfriend (the true seal of a relationship), but i was never without a guy to distract me. i think i am most comfortable with a boyfriend. not having one makes me feel like a mother whose last child has just left home for college. who do i make cookies for? who do i send notes in the mail? who do i send “call me when you get home” text messages to? does this sound disgusting yet? because i think i just made myself throw up.

my most recent breakup was due to a few things: different goals, distance, and my lack of independence. i don’t know who i am without a boyfriend, and that scares me. what do i like? what do i like to do? what are my favorite things? do i have a favorite color? okay, yes: it’s purple.

this may seem a bit dramatic, but it’s really terribly accurate. i’ve found myself relating less to carrie and more to charlotte. “our favorite movie is…” “we like this sushi place…” “we didn’t like that book…” “we think kanye is da bomb-ye.” i would lie to my friends about how being in a relationship wasn’t always all it was cracked up to be, but really i was pretty damn happy and comfortable.

now i am learning how to be by myself. not alone, but not with someone else. my focus is on myself. my favorite movies, my favorite restaurants, my favorite books, and my obsession with kanye. does this sound selfish? because it is a little bit, but it is also not at all. i am pretty damn happy right now, but i’m learning to be comfortable. i know what i want and i’m figuring out the rest as i go along. i’m getting lost within myself, which is probably the most loving thing i’ve done for me in a very long time.

but recently, being single has not been easy. it is an awkward thing to explain to people, mostly because i was so happy in my last relationship. i think that a healthy, clean break is difficult for some people to understand. it wasn’t him, it wasn’t me: it was just time. this is the thing that makes me uncomfortable. because i am sad about the breakup, but i am happy to be by myself.

~

“so how is the boy?” well, this is awkward. “we broke up.” there is horror on their faces. i can see it in their eyes. they aren’t sure what to say, and i know i don’t know how to answer. a flurry of recovery statements are made by multiple parties.

“it’s okay, it’s okay.” i tell them, i mean, what else do you say in this situation? “i’ve just decided to join match.com. all i need is to meet a nice dad or something. someone to put me through school.” no one can tell i’m joking, but i’ve got the shovel, and i’m digging the hole, and i can’t shut up. finally i say i’m joking.

“thank god, i was thinking you’re a bit too young for that.”

~

does everyone think i will die single? because just as i’m starting to really fall in love with myself: the things i like, my work, and my school, it seems like everyone else is just terrified i’ll announce the recent adoption of a stray cat or my new hobby of needlepoint (because these are the actions of a single to the nth degree woman, right?). don’t worry, i’m a dog person.

and since when did we start putting so much value on whether someone is in a relationship or not? you’re successful if you have a boyfriend. um, my blog got 100 page views in two hours… doesn’t that at least count as a blind date or something? shouldn’t we put all of that emphasis on things that matter like grades, and work success, and my latest free drink star at starbucks? i used two coupons at ulta yesterday, doesn’t that mean anything to you?

i like being alone. even when i was in a relationship, it was always long distance. i like the distance: it gave me space to drink and draw and write and work and do all of the things i like to do alone. now i am in a short distance relationship with myself and i am doing all of those exact same things, but i have one more thing: pity from the general public.

“you just keep looking. you’ll find someone, probably when you least expect it. when you stop trying, that’s when you’ll meet him. the city is a great place to meet men.”

~

i am falling in love with myself. i highlight all of the things that are great about me; the things that don’t include emphasis on my eligibility. like, i have great legs. they are so great because they allow me to walk around the entire city. i would be so sad without them. and i really love my hair because it always smells good. my smile is so nice and white because i understand the value of good oral hygiene, and i’m terrified of gingivitis. i am extremely flexible because i push myself in my yoga practices. my skin is really clear lately because i’ve been washing it regularly.

none of this is saying that i want to be single forever. i really enjoy the company of others. i like having someone to discuss everything with, but right now i really enjoy that person being me.