no need for tears

i'm not much of a goodbye person. endings don't really bother me.

i think it might have something to do with feeling like nothing is really an end. it's not like i won't be back to a certain place or see certain people ever again... and even if it was, there is probably a good reason that would be the last time and i'm guessing i wouldn't be sad about it. mostly because i'm terrible like that.

so, i haven't cried about leaving home for forever (for the first. time. ever.) tomorrow... yet. there was a minute when i thought i might, but those tears may or may not have had a slight push from a final whiskey and ginger with my friends last friday. no reason for tears.

but i will miss lots of things. i will miss living three minutes away from one best friend and five minutes away from the other. i will miss the highest-speed internet connection available in town. i will miss my big girl bed and the hand made quilts and the eight (yes, eight) pillows that form the most perfect nest for my pup and i. i will miss the fireplace and the love seat and the old dining room table. i will miss the mismatched antiques and 5-speed blender. i will miss having my own bathroom: i will mostly miss covering it in blonde colored bobby pins, hair spray, and expensive nail polish. i will miss seeing my sneakers on the shoe tray. i will miss seeing my mom's sneakers next to mine. i will miss the giant jar of jif peanut butter in the cupboard and the two spares in the pantry. i will miss leaving my stuff everywhere and hearing my dad yell at me to clean up my shi... treasures. i will kind of miss finding my underwear, socks, and shirts all over the house covered in dog spit. i will miss the dog that made the spit. i will miss the waitress at the chinese take-out place that listens patiently every time i try to explain my complicated order (shrimp lo mein, no noodles... you figure that one out). i will miss all of the art. i will miss being recognized every time i make a stop at meijer. i will really miss meijer. i will miss the only house i've ever known. but mostly i will miss the people who live inside of it. i will miss my mom. i will miss my dad. i will miss my babe. ...no reason for tears.

so while everyone cried and hugged on our last day of high school, i was driving to the other side of the state. and while all of my cabin mates held each other in a flurry of tears on the last day of camp, i was wondering where the hell my parents were. everyone shed a tear for LC on her final episode of the hills; i had already moved on to kristen. i still know a few people with hotmail accounts, i've been with gmail since '06 (after a brief affair with yahoo, of course). people continue to party like it's 1999... and so do i because i remember that night and being terrified that we might all die.

maybe one day all of this will hit me. i'll cry for graduation and camp and all of the lost years with hotmail. i'll cry for all of my exboyfriends, flings, and crushes and the beta fish that i flushed down the toilet six months ago. i'll cry about LC and tamagotchi and the barbie hair salon doll head that santa never brought me. i'll cry about that time that i threw up almost an entire cheesecake factory cheesecake. i will also cry about the hair that cheesecake factory left for me to find in a half eaten fish taco... and the fact that i'm still not over it.

but for now, for right now, i am just going to be happy. i have worked hard for this. i have spent the last two years going to school full time and working (almost) full time to make this dream happen. the long nights, longer days, and almost nonexistent social life were worth it. i am just going to be happy; there is no reason for tears.

werdz

words. it would be incredibly obvious to state that they mean a lot; that they stand for a lot; that they do... a lot. words have the power to build us up or tear us down. they can flow sweetly into our ears or slither in like a serpent. they settle in our heads: some for a day, some for a little longer, and others for the rest of our lives.

i think i've always been pretty verbal. they type of girl that doesn't really think about what she says before she says it, or she thinks about it but could care less what anyone would say or think so she says it anyway. that's me.

recently, i've caught on to the secret craze. so i'm constantly saying positive things to myself, about myself, about things i want or things i think i need. ultimately, i would attribute these efforts with about 80% of my recent boomin' happiness.

anyways, i find a lot of wordy inspiration via pinterest and carrie bradshaw (obvi). i'll leave out carrie tonight, but leave you with some of my recent favorites. all quotes accessible via my pinterest

"if the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?" boonaa muhammed

"we are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves to those we let slip out." winston churchill

"all good things are wild & free" henry david thoreau

"i didn't always know what i wanted to do, but i knew the kind of woman i wanted to be." dvf

"gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

"you were wild once, don't let them tame you." isadora duncan

"do it with passion, or not at all."

"Last time we went swimming/ the sea stood up and hugged you/ as though you were responsible/ for keeping it blue" bianca stewart

"i like people too much, or not at all." silvia plath

"don't forget to fall in love with yourself first." carrie bradshaw (how could i REALLY leave her out?)

"be free, not cheap"

"you can never be overdressed or overeducated." oscar wilde

"character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you"

"the cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" isak dinesen

oh, happy day. even if it is monday.

"find what you love and let it kill you" bukowski

if you want to be an actor, you act. you act every single moment of every single day. everything is drama to you.

if you want to be a baker, you bake. you are constantly trying new recipes. your jeans are tighter than they were last week, despite the fact that you throw away more than you eat. 

i want to be a writer. but i've discovered something about myself, and that is that i never write. it's interesting how school turns writers into anti-writers. and readers into anti-readers. what is this all about? sure, occasionally i've been inspired by a certain book or paper. it takes minutes to read, minutes to write... but, in general, i don't write anything but page-long iMessages and tweets (which is why i recently deleted my twitter). 

here i am, writing with full punctuation, but no capitalization (capital letters are intimidating and aggressive to me. i honor them in all formal writings, but i'm really no fan of capitals in online text). this will be a blog dedicated to everything and anything i want to talk about. a collection of bleach blonde hair, camouflage pants, a golden retriever, and small notions of my new life in the city of chicago.