i love you, chicago.

it’s a little funny to me that i started this blog to write about my life in chicago, but i don’t really write about chicago too much. there are no pictures of my apartment, no words about my classes, nothing mentioning much of a social life. i’m not sure why that is.

when i walk down the streets, i rarely listen to music. i feel so annoying saying this, but there is a constant dialogue running in my head. i think about things i want to write about, or what i should have said to that rude man that cat-called a friend and i during our nightly run. i think about the guy i saw for a split second on the train. i was sure we held each other’s gaze a bit longer than what is customary. i think we fell in love for that split second before he stepped off the train.

and the funny thing about that is that i fall in love multiple times a day. more times a day than i have fingers to count them on. i fall in love with the woman that sits at the front desk of my building. i fall in love with babies wrapped in snowsuits, nestled in blankets, hiding in strollers. i fall in love with the bus that is always sitting outside. i fall in love with the walk sign on the corner of my block that i usually ignore. i fall in love with frank, the perfect miniature golden doodle puppy i see weekly (if i’m lucky). i fall in love and plan a hasty destination marriage with at least five strangers every day. i fall in love with the smell of panera bread bagels that fill the street at 11pm every night as i walk home. i am in love with sketchy alley #1 and creepy alley #2 that i pass multiple times a day. (they are hardly sketchy or creepy, mom).

i think that the reason i don’t really write about chicago, or what is going on, or what is new and what is cool is because this place feels like home to me. i feel, that for the first time ever in my life, i really belong somewhere. does this sound corny? because i know it is a bit corny. but i don’t think i’ve ever really fit in anywhere else. sure, i fit in with people. i have always had friends. but how do you know you fit in somewhere, really?

when you know you could be happy living somewhere without having (m)any friends.

and that is how i feel about you, chicago. i really, really like ya. i might even go as far as saying that i’ve fallen madly in love with you. 

i found this buried deep in a series of folders on my computer. i'm not exactly sure when i wrote it, but i fell in love with it, and chicago, all over again.

on getting married

i’m not sure how old i was when i decided i wanted to be married. i’m actually not sure if i necessarily decided i wanted to be married. maybe i just decided that i didn’t not want to be married. does it work both ways?

in high school, it seemed like lots of girls received promise rings from their boyfriends. i’m not sure if that is still popular or not, or why the hell it ever came into fashion, but i became obsessed with the idea of the promise ring when i was about 14. a pre-engagement engagement sounded like just the thing i needed to take myself off the market at 17 years old. that sounds a bit too old to me, now that i think about it, to want a promise ring, but i think i was living through some of my girlfriends’ previous relationships. i still wanted one.

i had a promise ring from a not so promising boy for about seven of our 14 month relationship. while they were absolutely blissful months for my ring and i, they were not so much for the boyfriend and i. we broke up, and i sold the ring and bought a pair of shoes to replace it. i still have the shoes.

and i think it was somewhere in the three years of my last relationship that i just assumed we would be married. why would you date someone for such a long time if you did not intend to be married at the end of it? why would you seriously date someone you could never see yourself marrying?

maybe i knew i wanted to be married because my mom is married.

maybe i can blame this on my sister.

but now i am wondering why i feel almost programmed to want to be married. who did this to me? was it me? is this something that i really want, or is this something that i have been conditioned to focus on? why am i planning a wedding on pinterest when i am more likely to marry my dog than a human? i have yet to ask someone to marry me, and i have yet to be asked. why am i thinking about this?

i recently talked with someone about their view on marriage. he told me that he didn’t have marriage as an independent goal. at the time, i barely knew what that meant: independent goal. as in, by itself. marriage, by itself, was not a goal of his. i was immediately attracted to everything he said. and then he mentioned, “same with having kids.”

why does this guy sound so confident and independent, and i sound like such an annoying, stereotypical weirdo? like a close - minded person, i thought. i sound incredibly close – minded.

and every time one of my classes has a guest speaker (male or female), or i meet a woman who has worked really hard in their career (that generally inspires me – i like a b.a. chick), and they don’t have a wedding ring, i think: what happened? what didn’t happen? i want to ask them how their career challenges their social and/or romantic life. because my social – work – school life balancing act is barely spinning as it is. and if i have no chance of having a successful career and a husband, i need to start breaking up with the idea of one of them right now.

but how to you change the way your brain thinks about something that you’ve never really felt total control over? do you stop watching the day-long reruns of say yes to the dress? even the atlanta episodes? no more pinterest? no j crew wedding catalogs? no shopping at the j crew store on michigan ave (they have a wedding boutique, and i always see girls in the dressing rooms trying them on)?

or do you change the way you see your relationships? because you’re crazy if you want to get married at 22, but you’re barely desirable if you’re much older than 26. or people start asking you when you’re going to be married. your clocks are running out, the well is going dry, and you can’t carry on the family name. good job, maggie.

~

what really prompted all of this marriage talk in my mind, was, of course, the internets.

this very upsetting article has been running rampant on the internet and the facebook profiles of many young 20 single ladies i know. frankly, i think it is a bit thick. i am having trouble imagining that if the author had been in love and proposed to by her ideal mate that she would trade that moment for any one of the things on her list. i wouldn’t.

my responses to the 23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You're 23 are in brackets.

1. Get a passport. [i have one. i’ve had one since i was 14. most people can get a passport. who is going to use their passport? probably a 20 year old couple on their honeymoon.]

2. Find your "thing." [this is so vague, it should not even be on the list. find my “thing”? i found a chapstick i thought i’d lost in the pocket of one of my coats… is that my “thing”? i hope so. i’m sick of looking.]

3. Make out with a stranger. [because this is better than making out with someone i know? i'm really afraid of cold sores.]

4. Adopt a pet. [because if you’re jet-setting with your passport and making out with strangers and looking around for “things”, you can probably handle a dog right now.]

5. Start a band. [or listen to tegan and sara’s first album on repeat and get the same experience.]

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too. [i have no rebuttal. but i’m guessing married people eat lots of cake. on their wedding day.]

7. Get a tattoo. It's more permanent than a marriage. [yes. get the phases of the moon on your back, an infinity sign on the nape of your neck, and the coordinates of your birthplace on your arm. only if you want them.]

8. Explore a new religion. [done. thanks, liberal arts college!]

9. Start a small business. [really? is this really realistic?]

10. Cut your hair. [i get a trim every six months. that counts, yeah?]

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face. [this sounds like a horrible idea. you’ll hurt other people and yourself. on purpose?]

12. Build something with your hands. [i made a samwich for dinner last night.]

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project. [my wedding inspiration board is a project… on pinterest.]

14. Join the Peace Corps. [only if you want to volunteer for the next two years of your life. this is a serious commitment. you can't just back out. sounds a bit like the way some people think about marriage.]

15. Disappoint your parents. [really? why? i just can’t… deal with this list.]

16. Watch Girls, over and over again. [because those GIRLS are such good role models, or because they make you feel better about yourself?]

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting. [this is not healthy. i do not recommend it.]

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places. [or try to befriend a stranger… that would probably be a nicer change to the world.]

19. Sign up for CrossFit. [yes, do this… anyone! it will kick your butt!]

20. Hangout naked in front of a window. [right after i eat that entire jar of nutella and then do an hour of crossfit.]

21. Write your feelings down in a blog. [doin’ it right now.]

22. Be selfish. [or take care of yourself. love yourself. be yourself.]

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year. [this was a cop – out thing to check off the list. this is why i hate list blogs…]

new year

i don’t think i’ve ever really made new year resolutions. but here are some goals i would like to achieve for 2014. also: are goal and resolution synonymous? because they sound like they could be, but, the way people talk about them, i don’t think they are.

pay no attention to lists: 40 books you should read before you’re four years old, 89 things you could do instead of eating pizza, two people you should fall in love with before you get married, 12 reasons cheetos are  killing your love life. they’re all bullshit. it’s important to stop listening to the internet; only you can decide what is important and what is not in your life.

prioritize your entertainment: books over catfish, knitting over catfish, going out for a drink over catfish. maybe just stop watching catfish.

stop comparing yourself  to other people: someone will always be smarter, taller, blonder, funnier, nicer. use those people as role models and inspiration instead of road blocks.

think before you: speak, text, or speak: while your lack of a verbal filter can sometimes be a positive, many times it is not. just be quiet.

forgive those who need to be forgiven, but do not compromise your feelings or morals to accommodate someone else’s conscience. you don’t owe anyone anything but honesty and a bit of understanding.

write, more: so you’re not sure if you want to be a journalist in the most traditional sense. but if no one, not even the internet, can figure out what or who a journalist really is, then just keep considering yourself a writer. it sounds more poetic, anyways. even if you’re not poised at a typewriter with some dark drink at hand and a wastebasket full of ink on crumpled paper, just write. pens and papers are just as efficient. reestablish your writer’s callus. your fingers are weak, and you should be embarrassed.

dance more: it makes you smile.

smile more: you’ll probably end up dancing.

stop making time for people who don’t make time for you. call your mom instead. she thinks you’re special, and she will tell you. over and over.

call your mom.

recognize that it is okay to feel the things you feel about the things you feel when you feel them. crying is okay. even in public. even with non-waterproof mascara on. even with no makeup on. even when you can’t breathe and you feel like you’re choking. it’s okay to be mad when you’re mad, just think about what you say or do before you say or do it. do not act in spite. if no one else is laughing, but you feel it, do it. it’s even okay to snort.

practice: practice everything, every day. one try does not a master make.

~

i think a lot of people talk about 2013 as the best year they’ve ever had. or it’s in their top three best years. what does that even mean? i barely remember the first 13 years of my life… while i’m sure they weren’t all the best, how does one give justice to those years without selling the most recent ones short? i think ’94 was a good year… wasn’t it for most? i don’t know.

anyways, i think that people put way too much emphasis on years. we live year by year instead of moments or experiences. while it sounds much more romantic to live by experiences, i realize that it isn’t necessarily realistic.

2013 was good to me for one very large reason. i have spent the majority of my life thinking i was a city person. born in the wrong place, wrong time period. meant for the city, decades ago.

this year, i moved to a city. i wasn’t even nervous. it took me less than 12 hours to feel like i had arrived. tipsy, wandering the streets before i’d even been introduced to some of my roommates. cliché as it sounds, i felt so carrie. i felt so belonged and comfortable. i felt so home. as if this place was waiting, just for me, to arrive. this is my greatest accomplishment so far. this is my proudest moment so far.