is it ok, cupid?

it happened somewhere between a catfish marathon and a bottle of wine that i decided to try online dating. with my closest friends on board, i consulted my usual source for information for this type of thing. she seemed to be on board with it, and if the man repeller is okay with online dating, then it must be okay, right?

so i chose a website and started the quest to find true internet love which begins with a username. surprisingly, this was the most difficult part of the entire process. how do you pick a username that does not give away any personal information but still allows you to show a bit of personality? actually, you can’t. so, i chose my first two initials and added numbers at random. get at me, boys.

the website offers multiple prompts for users to take advantage of while marketing themselves to potential suitors: “the first things people usually notice about me”, “favorite books, moves, shows, music, and food”, “the six things i could never do without”, “i spend a lot of time thinking about”, “on a typical friday night i am”, and “the most private thing i’m willing to admit”.

my most private thing is that i don’t have any cavities.

online dating is something i have heard about. divorcees do it. thirty-year-old single women do it. newly heartbroken people do it. busy people do it. but what was i doing it for? for laughs, a little, but also because, despite what i had anticipated, meeting people is extremely difficult in the city. making friends is difficult. it’s hard not to feel like an absolute creep when trying to meet anyone. truth is, i’ve given my phone number out to more girls hoping for a ladies night out than i have men hoping for a dinner date. but women don’t meet other women online for friendship, so there i was on a tuesday night: sifting through the finest single men ages 22-29 that chicago has to offer.

what i found is that, in general, despite my desired demographics (men age 22 – 29 within 5 miles of my zip code seeking women) any cupid could view my profile. i’ve received messages from ladies seeking ladies, non-single ladies and their partner (male or female) seeking ladies, and even a proposition from a much older man.

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while this is another story in itself, i will say this: i thought sugar daddies were a kind of urban legend. something out of a law & order: svu episode. but, my friends, they are alive and kicking in the city of chicago, and they are actively seeking young female companionship. while this is not the type of relationship i am looking for at all, it has been the foundation for multiple jokes and stories within my friends and family for the last two weeks. it also really helped while making a christmas list this year, because it is only when you have the opportunity to be a sugar baby that you really think of all of the frivolous shit you don’t need but wish you had.

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in almost two months on the website, i have been on a few dates with a few men, none of them really sticking as friends or more. to be fair though, none of the men i dated that i met in bars stuck either. so, i wonder… is this a millennial thing? a short attention span thing? a twenty-something thing?

i can order my groceries online and have them sent to my apartment within an hour. i can order dinner from the sushi place on the corner online and pick it up within twenty minutes (and use a coupon!!). i can order clothes online from asos or free people and see them in my mailbox in 7 – 10 business days. now, i can order myself a date with drinks on thursday night, a movie date for saturday, and a late dinner for monday after my run.

but is this what dating is? because i am so unfamiliar (even with) the concept. i am not so sure how wonderful it is. it makes me feel very uncomfortable. before i decided to start this little adventure, i was extremely confident and comfortable with myself. now? i’m not so sure.

at a bar, you can smile at a guy and he will do one of a few things: he will smile back, he will approach, he will make conversation, he will offer to buy you a drink, or he will run, terrified, back to his girlfriend. with any of these, you have an answer. he is either interested, or he’s just not that into you.

but online… you can rate a guy 4/5 stars (but never 5/5, because, who’s kidding? no one is that perfect) and never hear from him. you can wink at him, nudge him, send him a (virtual) flower (wtf is this about, btw?), or even a flirtatious message acknowledging a common interest, and you’ll never hear back from him. or you’ll get a notification that he has viewed your profile.

the playing fields seem level, right? at a bar, they see your face and body. online, they view six meticulously chosen pictures. in person, they can see smile and disposition along with any evident sense of humor or quirkiness. online, they can read an entire profile filled with anything you choose. in person, you get one minute to make a good first impression, but someone could analyze your dating profile for as long as they’d like.

it all feels very high maintenance to me. for something that was supposed to be a fun distraction, it feels a lot like work. but every time i go on a break with online dating, i end up going back to it. which means that there has to be some negative, psychological something going on, right? there is science out there somewhere that says “online dating is bad for you. stop doing it.” but we can’t. but i can’t.

i am stuck in this weird carrie – like situation of feeling like i need some male to distract me from what i want. maybe that is because i don’t know what i want besides someone to hold my hand through sloshy snow between the road and sidewalk. or to carry my groceries. or to let me bitch about how terrible or wonderful or funny something (or someone) was. but carrie never online dated. hell, carrie hardly had an email address or a cell phone. what would she think of tinder? okcupid? j date? would she feel the need to validate herself with her zoosk popularity score?

so for now, i’m not sure what i think about online dating. but that sugar daddy is starting to look a little better… (joking… kind of… but really, they exist).