crying in a crowd of people

a little over a year ago, a coworker from 7602 introduced me to a lot of things. the best of those things being a tiny blonde singer named lucy rose. so about two months ago in august, while everyone at my going away party was chatting about chicago: why they’d been and when they were going back, this person mentioned that they were visiting in the beginning of october for a concert to see lucy. for $15, i was totally in.

i had listened to lucy on occasion. she has a few songs that i really like. they showed up on a few spotify playlists, but she isn’t the soundtrack to my life (enter beyoncé, the dixie chicks and fleetwood mac).

so when we showed up at schubas, a pretty intimate (but well known) venue/bar in lakeview early october, i was a little nervous. it’s not like i really knew the words to every song. we sat and got something to drink. it’s especially in little places like schubas that i like to people watch. you are close enough to hear everything people say, but far enough away that they probably don’t notice how intently you are paying attention to them. there, it seemed like everyone knew each other.

“oh, that’s her.” i looked around for lucy, but i wasn’t sure where she was until someone moved out of the way. she is very small and very blonde. my kind of girl. we didn’t see her again until she went on stage, probably two vodka cranberries later.

they played a lot of music i was unfamiliar with. nevertheless, she is great on stage and great in general. the thing i liked most about the concert was that she made mistakes. well, maybe that was not my favorite part. my favorite part was that she acknowledged these mistakes. they were there, we knew they were there, and she did not hide from them. i think that took courage. because isn’t “fake it until you make it” a thing? people say that, right? “if you mess up, just keep going… no one will know the difference.” i call bullshit. i like it when people say something and start over. give yourself the justice of your work being as great as the efforts you have put into it. and that is what she did.

the thing i liked second most was that she spoke directly to the audience. there was so much dialogue. as if beyoncé could ever do that. given the opportunity, would she? even though this is my second favorite thing about that night, i think it was also the beginning of my demise. because with chatting comes song requests, and with those song requests came “shiver” and “gamble”. i hadn’t heard them before because, as i said before, i didn’t really commit myself to listening to her music.

but there i was, listening to someone request “gamble”. lucy was a little hesitant. “it helped me get through my last breakup,” the girl in the audience said. oh shit. of course it did. i wanted to leave. being a part of a broken couple is something i am learning to deal with. it's hard, to say simply. i really wanted to leave. i had to pee anyway, but my feet were stuck; i had a little bit of a sleeping foot. so there i was, looking up at this small, blonde person; wishing i was in so many other places. but my gut was turning itself inside out, and i had that choking feeling in my throat. not the kind that you are actually choking, but the kind that feels like a snake is slowly constricting your throat. the air is there, it is ready to breathe, but you can’t get it. this is when i started feeling nervous because i knew i was going to lose it a little.

i listened, and i cried. not such big tears that my mascara was ruined, but those small tears that sneak out of the corner of your eye and camp out on the top of your cheek before falling to your chin. and then you have to decide: do i wait for it to fall, or do i wipe it off? i decided to let them sit there for a bit. they snuck their way out, and they deserved to breathe just as much as i did.

october is such a difficult month for me. it is my birthday month and (in my opinion) the death month of summer. as much as i truly love the month, i always find myself being the most emotional during october. and it's not because i'm sad to be older, or really that sad that summer is over. i think that october is just my month for feeling everything at once.

despite the tears, the night ended up being really enjoyable. it was a nice little light on what had been a difficult two weeks. which is kind of hard to put into text, because i think i am a pretty happy, positive person. and admitting sadness feels a bit like admitting failure, which terrifies me. but i think it’s okay; i’m learning to believe it is okay.