on getting married

i’m not sure how old i was when i decided i wanted to be married. i’m actually not sure if i necessarily decided i wanted to be married. maybe i just decided that i didn’t not want to be married. does it work both ways?

in high school, it seemed like lots of girls received promise rings from their boyfriends. i’m not sure if that is still popular or not, or why the hell it ever came into fashion, but i became obsessed with the idea of the promise ring when i was about 14. a pre-engagement engagement sounded like just the thing i needed to take myself off the market at 17 years old. that sounds a bit too old to me, now that i think about it, to want a promise ring, but i think i was living through some of my girlfriends’ previous relationships. i still wanted one.

i had a promise ring from a not so promising boy for about seven of our 14 month relationship. while they were absolutely blissful months for my ring and i, they were not so much for the boyfriend and i. we broke up, and i sold the ring and bought a pair of shoes to replace it. i still have the shoes.

and i think it was somewhere in the three years of my last relationship that i just assumed we would be married. why would you date someone for such a long time if you did not intend to be married at the end of it? why would you seriously date someone you could never see yourself marrying?

maybe i knew i wanted to be married because my mom is married.

maybe i can blame this on my sister.

but now i am wondering why i feel almost programmed to want to be married. who did this to me? was it me? is this something that i really want, or is this something that i have been conditioned to focus on? why am i planning a wedding on pinterest when i am more likely to marry my dog than a human? i have yet to ask someone to marry me, and i have yet to be asked. why am i thinking about this?

i recently talked with someone about their view on marriage. he told me that he didn’t have marriage as an independent goal. at the time, i barely knew what that meant: independent goal. as in, by itself. marriage, by itself, was not a goal of his. i was immediately attracted to everything he said. and then he mentioned, “same with having kids.”

why does this guy sound so confident and independent, and i sound like such an annoying, stereotypical weirdo? like a close - minded person, i thought. i sound incredibly close – minded.

and every time one of my classes has a guest speaker (male or female), or i meet a woman who has worked really hard in their career (that generally inspires me – i like a b.a. chick), and they don’t have a wedding ring, i think: what happened? what didn’t happen? i want to ask them how their career challenges their social and/or romantic life. because my social – work – school life balancing act is barely spinning as it is. and if i have no chance of having a successful career and a husband, i need to start breaking up with the idea of one of them right now.

but how to you change the way your brain thinks about something that you’ve never really felt total control over? do you stop watching the day-long reruns of say yes to the dress? even the atlanta episodes? no more pinterest? no j crew wedding catalogs? no shopping at the j crew store on michigan ave (they have a wedding boutique, and i always see girls in the dressing rooms trying them on)?

or do you change the way you see your relationships? because you’re crazy if you want to get married at 22, but you’re barely desirable if you’re much older than 26. or people start asking you when you’re going to be married. your clocks are running out, the well is going dry, and you can’t carry on the family name. good job, maggie.

~

what really prompted all of this marriage talk in my mind, was, of course, the internets.

this very upsetting article has been running rampant on the internet and the facebook profiles of many young 20 single ladies i know. frankly, i think it is a bit thick. i am having trouble imagining that if the author had been in love and proposed to by her ideal mate that she would trade that moment for any one of the things on her list. i wouldn’t.

my responses to the 23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged When You're 23 are in brackets.

1. Get a passport. [i have one. i’ve had one since i was 14. most people can get a passport. who is going to use their passport? probably a 20 year old couple on their honeymoon.]

2. Find your "thing." [this is so vague, it should not even be on the list. find my “thing”? i found a chapstick i thought i’d lost in the pocket of one of my coats… is that my “thing”? i hope so. i’m sick of looking.]

3. Make out with a stranger. [because this is better than making out with someone i know? i'm really afraid of cold sores.]

4. Adopt a pet. [because if you’re jet-setting with your passport and making out with strangers and looking around for “things”, you can probably handle a dog right now.]

5. Start a band. [or listen to tegan and sara’s first album on repeat and get the same experience.]

6. Make a cake. Make a second cake. Have your cake and eat it too. [i have no rebuttal. but i’m guessing married people eat lots of cake. on their wedding day.]

7. Get a tattoo. It's more permanent than a marriage. [yes. get the phases of the moon on your back, an infinity sign on the nape of your neck, and the coordinates of your birthplace on your arm. only if you want them.]

8. Explore a new religion. [done. thanks, liberal arts college!]

9. Start a small business. [really? is this really realistic?]

10. Cut your hair. [i get a trim every six months. that counts, yeah?]

11. Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face. [this sounds like a horrible idea. you’ll hurt other people and yourself. on purpose?]

12. Build something with your hands. [i made a samwich for dinner last night.]

13. Accomplish a Pinterest project. [my wedding inspiration board is a project… on pinterest.]

14. Join the Peace Corps. [only if you want to volunteer for the next two years of your life. this is a serious commitment. you can't just back out. sounds a bit like the way some people think about marriage.]

15. Disappoint your parents. [really? why? i just can’t… deal with this list.]

16. Watch Girls, over and over again. [because those GIRLS are such good role models, or because they make you feel better about yourself?]

17. Eat a jar of Nutella in one sitting. [this is not healthy. i do not recommend it.]

18. Make strangers feel uncomfortable in public places. [or try to befriend a stranger… that would probably be a nicer change to the world.]

19. Sign up for CrossFit. [yes, do this… anyone! it will kick your butt!]

20. Hangout naked in front of a window. [right after i eat that entire jar of nutella and then do an hour of crossfit.]

21. Write your feelings down in a blog. [doin’ it right now.]

22. Be selfish. [or take care of yourself. love yourself. be yourself.]

23. Come with me to the Philippines for Chinese New Year. [this was a cop – out thing to check off the list. this is why i hate list blogs…]