no need for tears

i'm not much of a goodbye person. endings don't really bother me.

i think it might have something to do with feeling like nothing is really an end. it's not like i won't be back to a certain place or see certain people ever again... and even if it was, there is probably a good reason that would be the last time and i'm guessing i wouldn't be sad about it. mostly because i'm terrible like that.

so, i haven't cried about leaving home for forever (for the first. time. ever.) tomorrow... yet. there was a minute when i thought i might, but those tears may or may not have had a slight push from a final whiskey and ginger with my friends last friday. no reason for tears.

but i will miss lots of things. i will miss living three minutes away from one best friend and five minutes away from the other. i will miss the highest-speed internet connection available in town. i will miss my big girl bed and the hand made quilts and the eight (yes, eight) pillows that form the most perfect nest for my pup and i. i will miss the fireplace and the love seat and the old dining room table. i will miss the mismatched antiques and 5-speed blender. i will miss having my own bathroom: i will mostly miss covering it in blonde colored bobby pins, hair spray, and expensive nail polish. i will miss seeing my sneakers on the shoe tray. i will miss seeing my mom's sneakers next to mine. i will miss the giant jar of jif peanut butter in the cupboard and the two spares in the pantry. i will miss leaving my stuff everywhere and hearing my dad yell at me to clean up my shi... treasures. i will kind of miss finding my underwear, socks, and shirts all over the house covered in dog spit. i will miss the dog that made the spit. i will miss the waitress at the chinese take-out place that listens patiently every time i try to explain my complicated order (shrimp lo mein, no noodles... you figure that one out). i will miss all of the art. i will miss being recognized every time i make a stop at meijer. i will really miss meijer. i will miss the only house i've ever known. but mostly i will miss the people who live inside of it. i will miss my mom. i will miss my dad. i will miss my babe. ...no reason for tears.

so while everyone cried and hugged on our last day of high school, i was driving to the other side of the state. and while all of my cabin mates held each other in a flurry of tears on the last day of camp, i was wondering where the hell my parents were. everyone shed a tear for LC on her final episode of the hills; i had already moved on to kristen. i still know a few people with hotmail accounts, i've been with gmail since '06 (after a brief affair with yahoo, of course). people continue to party like it's 1999... and so do i because i remember that night and being terrified that we might all die.

maybe one day all of this will hit me. i'll cry for graduation and camp and all of the lost years with hotmail. i'll cry for all of my exboyfriends, flings, and crushes and the beta fish that i flushed down the toilet six months ago. i'll cry about LC and tamagotchi and the barbie hair salon doll head that santa never brought me. i'll cry about that time that i threw up almost an entire cheesecake factory cheesecake. i will also cry about the hair that cheesecake factory left for me to find in a half eaten fish taco... and the fact that i'm still not over it.

but for now, for right now, i am just going to be happy. i have worked hard for this. i have spent the last two years going to school full time and working (almost) full time to make this dream happen. the long nights, longer days, and almost nonexistent social life were worth it. i am just going to be happy; there is no reason for tears.