true life: i’m addicted to dating buttheads

what that title should really say is, “true life: i’m addicted to dating assholes,” but something about a curse in the title seems a bit too aggressive to me.

it’s something i’ve realized about myself as of late: i’m picking out some real un-winners to go out with, and i’m not sure why.

is it them? is it me?

best friends come into play immediately with talk like this.

what’s wrong with me?

why doesn’t it  ever work out?

if he said he wants to see me again, then that means he wants to see me again, right? 
i offered to split the check. if he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t have paid.

so we spend hours and hours, over days and days, that turn into weeks trying to analyze what was said, what was done.

and then my mom says, “maybe he’s just not that into you.”

which is a strong and true, yet cliché thing to say. i loved that movie for a very long time. i thought it was genius. but what i’ve realized recently is that, that movie sucks. you spend an entire 129 minutes sympathizing with the female characters. there is one for every “type” of woman: the single girl, the married and cheated on girl, the girl waiting to get married, the “other woman” girl, and the drew barrymore girl.

and just when you think to movie has proved its “rule vs. exception” point – that you wholeheartedly agree with – they shit on you. the single girl gets a boyfriend. the married girl finds empowerment and leaves her husband. the girl waiting to get married, gets married. the “other woman” girl kind of gets screwed over. and the drew barrymore girl gets a boyfriend that is obsessed with her.

in what world does this happen?

when all signs point to, “yes, he likes you!” but he isn’t the one saying it… what do you do?

i’m a novice at this dating thing. for the most part, it’s pretty fun. i have very little to lose, and an undetermined amount to gain.

dating without expectations is important to me. when i meet someone, i don’t see a second date before the first has started. i don’t see a future dinner or movie. i don’t see a future boyfriend or friend (or, god forbid, husband – who does this?).

if things go well, and there is mutual interest, i will see the person again.

since i have no connection to the person after knowing them for only a few hours, i think it is important to be completely honest with them.

“it was nice to meet you.” because it is nice to meet anyone, but i probably don’t want to see them again. if i am uninterested in pursuing anything but friendship, i let them know. i always offer to split the check.

sometimes this doesn’t exactly work.

like with phil, who repeatedly asked me what i was looking for. i told him i don’t like to have expectations.

to which he replied, “so you’re looking for friends with benefits?”

in what world does what i said translate to friends with benefits? i wanted to say. i corrected him. thirty minutes later, he was at it again.

“so since you’re looking for friends with benefits…” i corrected him again. he asked for the check ten minutes later.

he also liked to analyze everything i said by replaying it back to me (and adding his insight), as if i had not just said it.

“you like whiskey, and you wont drink it with a straw in it, so you are kind of a hard ass,” he said after i ordered my second drink.

you’re drinking a long island with a straw, and you don’t like whiskey… so you’re obviously a wienie, right?

and i began to wonder… who told this kid that he is so great, for, most likely, his entire life that would make him think that he could talk to me like this?

is this a millennial thing? is this what it’s like to date a millennial? have our parents raised us to think that we are so amazing at everything that we can’t even go on a civilized, respectable date?

my heart is unbroken when it is not invested in someone. but after going on many mediocre dates with duds and jerks, you want to hold on to the ones that make a reasonable amount of eye contact and crack a few jokes that make you both laugh.

but rarely does any of this play out the way you imagine it would in an adult dating situation. the games begin immediately with a ping pong of “who can wait the longest to text back a response.” whoever can refrain the longest earns more points. if you can avoid sending a reply at all, you win.

because nothing seems more desperate than sending more text messages than you receive. you want the blue to white text ratio to be as even as possible.

and after all of the dates and all of the texts, i end up in the same place: laying in my bed, legs up the wall, typing frantically to kaily who is my safest person and a premium participator in rapid fire messaging.

this is where the hours turn to days turn to weeks until the next suitor steps up to bat.

in between the suitors, i will continue to drink whiskey, eat my weight in plantain chips, run a few miles a day and avoid dating anyone who is a self described “young professional.” 

little words

i like to live without regret. i think, “at one point, i wanted this.” and i live with my decisions. i adopted this philosophy when i was 17. recently broken up with, i was going to lots of parties, and drinking lots of alcohol, and making choices i felt needed some justification. that justification was “no regrets.”

looking back, i would not change one choice i made. but, i kind of do wish that someone (the current me – at 21) would have told (then) me (at 18) a few things. so that’s what this is: a letter (in list form, because who doesn’t love a list?) to myself at 18 from myself at 21.

maggie,

1. stay home for your first two years of college. go to community college – use your current scholarships, apply for new ones, and go to school for free. wait to apply to a school you really want to go to. wait to move to a place you really want to live. you are afraid to miss out on “the college experience,” i know. but you are not a “college experience” type of girl. you won’t join a sorority, you won’t be a beer pong champion (although you’ll develop a good shot after a bit), and you’re not into all - nighters. you won’t scream at midnight during exam week, and you’ll barely go to a football game. you can play the part extremely well, but is that you? don’t wait for your 21^st birthday to start being true to yourself. do it now. you deserve it.

2. take summer classes now. can’t stop, won’t stop. get into it now. take math now. get rid of trivial english classes now. you could finish your prerequisites in one year if you took summer classes. you could be semesters ahead instead of “right on track.” you were never a “right on track” kind of girl. why start now?

3. be single, but not alone. it is important for you to be by yourself. learn to be by yourself and love yourself. i don’t regret any relationship i’ve ever had, but i wish that you could learn to be single now. appreciate friendships instead of burying yourself in a boyfriend.

4. consider other people more. anyone will tell you that “now is your time to be selfish,” but don’t be like that. simple.

5. travel more. even if it is just a few hours north. you’ll appreciate the money you spent on experiences.

6. go out. you’ll never remember the night that you decided to stay home and go to bed at 1 a.m. after spending the last six hours on your computer with a bowl of popcorn. you will remember the night that you danced until 3 a.m. with your friends and had a few creeps hit on you in hilarious ways.

7. look in the mirror and like what you see. accepting your flaws isn’t okay. embrace what you look like. because even though you are similar to your mom and your sister, you are not a carbon copy. you’ve spent too much time thinking that you’re not pretty enough. not beautiful enough. not enough. it’s not okay anymore. you’re an adult now – legally! love what you look like because you are so many things and beautiful is one of them.

you’re not pretty in a weird way. you’re pretty in a pretty way.

8. stop apologizing for being successful. teachers don’t play favorites. you have earned every grade you’ve ever received because you. are. smart. & you. work. hard. do not let other people tell you, you don’t deserve something. you own everything that has ever happened to you.

9. “don’t let the bastards get you down.” “better to be lucky than good.” “endeavor to persevere.” “be nice to your mother, she loves you more than anyone.” “what’s up, bean?” “did you feed/take out the dog?”

listen to these things and everything else your dad says. he does your taxes and he loves you. you’re lucky to have him around.

10. do not let the opinions of others change who you are.

i think most of this list involves a lot of love, specifically self love. it’s important to be in love with yourself. you’ll spend so much time trying to figure out who you are and what you want. i’m not sure if these things will speed up, or even help, the process.

i also think it’s important to restate that i am 100% happy with who i am right now and what i’ve done in the past. it is important to live without regret. own every decision you’ve made, regardless of its outcome.

i think you’re great.