it happened somewhere between a catfish marathon and a
bottle of wine that i decided to try online dating. with my closest friends on
board, i consulted my usual source for information for this type of thing. she
seemed to be on board with it, and if the man repeller is okay with online
dating, then it must be okay, right?
so i chose a website and started the quest to find true
internet love which begins with a username. surprisingly, this was the most
difficult part of the entire process. how do you pick a username that does not
give away any personal information but still allows you to show a bit of
personality? actually, you can’t. so, i chose my first two initials and added
numbers at random. get at me, boys.
the website offers multiple prompts for users to take
advantage of while marketing themselves to potential suitors: “the first things
people usually notice about me”, “favorite books, moves, shows, music, and
food”, “the six things i could never do without”, “i spend a lot of time
thinking about”, “on a typical friday night i am”, and “the most private thing i’m
willing to admit”.
my most private thing is that i don’t have any cavities.
online dating is something i have heard about. divorcees do
it. thirty-year-old single women do it. newly heartbroken people do it. busy
people do it. but what was i doing it for? for laughs, a little, but also
because, despite what i had anticipated, meeting people is extremely difficult
in the city. making friends is difficult. it’s hard not to feel like an
absolute creep when trying to meet anyone. truth is, i’ve given my phone number
out to more girls hoping for a ladies night out than i have men hoping for a
dinner date. but women don’t meet other women online for friendship, so there i
was on a tuesday night: sifting through the finest single men ages 22-29 that
chicago has to offer.
what i found is that, in general, despite my desired
demographics (men age 22 – 29 within 5 miles of my zip code seeking women) any
cupid could view my profile. i’ve received messages from ladies seeking ladies,
non-single ladies and their partner (male or female) seeking ladies, and even a
proposition from a much older man.
~
while this is another story in itself, i will say this: i
thought sugar daddies were a kind of urban legend. something out of a law &
order: svu episode. but, my friends, they are alive and kicking in the city of
chicago, and they are actively seeking young female companionship. while this
is not the type of relationship i am looking for at all, it has been the
foundation for multiple jokes and stories within my friends and family for the
last two weeks. it also really helped while making a christmas list this year,
because it is only when you have the opportunity to be a sugar baby that you
really think of all of the frivolous shit you don’t need but wish you had.
~
in almost two months on the website, i have been on a few
dates with a few men, none of them really sticking as friends or more. to be
fair though, none of the men i dated that i met in bars stuck either. so, i
wonder… is this a millennial thing? a short attention span thing? a
twenty-something thing?
i can order my groceries online and have them sent to my
apartment within an hour. i can order dinner from the sushi place on the corner
online and pick it up within twenty minutes (and use a coupon!!). i can order
clothes online from asos or free people and see them in my mailbox in 7 – 10
business days. now, i can order myself a date with drinks on thursday night, a
movie date for saturday, and a late dinner for monday after my run.
but is this what dating is? because i am so unfamiliar (even
with) the concept. i am not so sure how wonderful it is. it makes me feel very
uncomfortable. before i decided to start this little adventure, i was extremely
confident and comfortable with myself. now? i’m not so sure.
at a bar, you can smile at a guy and he will do one of a few
things: he will smile back, he will approach, he will make conversation, he
will offer to buy you a drink, or he will run, terrified, back to his
girlfriend. with any of these, you have an answer. he is either interested, or
he’s just not that into you.
but online… you can rate a guy 4/5 stars (but never 5/5,
because, who’s kidding? no one is that perfect) and never hear from him. you
can wink at him, nudge him, send him a (virtual) flower (wtf is this about,
btw?), or even a flirtatious message acknowledging a common interest, and
you’ll never hear back from him. or you’ll get a notification that he has
viewed your profile.
the playing fields seem level, right? at a bar, they see
your face and body. online, they view six meticulously chosen pictures. in
person, they can see smile and disposition along with any evident sense of
humor or quirkiness. online, they can read an entire profile filled with
anything you choose. in person, you get one minute to make a good first
impression, but someone could analyze your dating profile for as long as they’d
like.
it all feels very high maintenance to me. for something that
was supposed to be a fun distraction, it feels a lot like work. but every time i
go on a break with online dating, i end up going back to it. which means that
there has to be some negative, psychological something going on, right? there
is science out there somewhere that says “online dating is bad for you. stop
doing it.” but we can’t. but i can’t.
i am stuck in this weird carrie – like situation of feeling
like i need some male to distract me from what i want. maybe that is because i
don’t know what i want besides someone to hold my hand through sloshy snow
between the road and sidewalk. or to carry my groceries. or to let me bitch
about how terrible or wonderful or funny something (or someone) was. but carrie
never online dated. hell, carrie hardly had an email address or a cell phone.
what would she think of tinder? okcupid? j date? would she feel the need to
validate herself with her zoosk popularity score?
so for now, i’m not sure what i think about online dating.
but that sugar daddy is starting to look a little better… (joking… kind of… but
really, they exist).